Choices to Make

Why did it have to end up like this?

I do not have the slightest idea what should I do; for I love you more than I ever should have – therefore, I desire your happiness, the very thing I had taken now… by my love and lust, you had been bound to suffer…

I am in excruciating pain; and I am not able to make a good decision in any way… it is impossible.

I start to sing unconsciously. A song of love, that is. Of mortals and immortals. It is a forbidden song; if it’s not, then it has scarcely been sung. I’ve heard it only one time before. I do not know how I remember it; I just do.
My voice cries gently to the stars above Rivendell… “Nanthú-i en mellaíni äthannel eien ni...” I am listening to the melody of my own sorrow…
I finish the song. It gave no counsel. I sink into my thoughts, even deeper and deeper. To the very core of my heart. To find the origin of the troubles, I have to reminisc again. It is still so vivid in my memory. It was but a day ago, though. It seems like many springs have passed since then.

It was the fairest morning of mornings. I woke up to the trickling, silver voice of the waters of the city and to the fragrant, wholesome breeze of the air. And if that was not enough to satisfy me, I found my beloved KoUsagi lying by my side, blanketed with creme-coloured silk that still wore the tokens of the night passed... I was content for that moment.
I looked at her as she still was asleep. It was then when a thunder tore its way in my mind; for I saw the radiant star of motherhood kindling on her brow, even so shyly, but it was unmistakable and unerasable.
Alas, it made her unbearably exquisite... it was a beauty I did not know she lacked, but with it, she has been made whole.
For a split second, I was overcome with unsingable joy; by my side lay the lady of my heart, having a new life begotten last night; a life that had sprung from her and me; from our love...

And the next split second, fear struck me. For she cannot be mine. Never should have. She does not belong to my world. Merely as a temporary gift... Oh, how I loathed to regard her that way! It should have been the way to think about her, but alas! I just could not. She is something other than usual; she has a beauty other than Elvish; she has a sense of humour out of this realm; and she is utterly desperate about her goals. And she understands me. That is why I grew too close to her during our journey... I forced the thought of our evident separation to a dark nook of my mind, and I fell in love as I never had before. So I have learned what is the human way of love...

And that is the reason for my foolishness. That is why I yearned for her soul and her body. And that is why I had to make love to her...
It was only at first when I (should I say: we?) listened to REASON: “We cannot wed, so I should not give this to you; though in every minute I wish that I could... For my heart is already yours, therefore it is hard enough now to think about parting from you.” These were the words she used concerning this matter... I wondered how could she be so pure, so self-restrained, so praiseworthy. And I also knew well that she was right.
In a way. For our emotions were craving for fulfillment. So we threw away every reason and embraced each other. Alas, these blind emotions!

Now here’s the result. The wonderful but now horrifying fact. What should I do with it? It is clear to me that she does not yet know what is happening inside her... my kindred is able to see such things at this early stage, but humans are not. And it is my burden to choose what may I do with this fact.

At first I thought: I might as well take her as my wife... It was the very thing that I wished for deep in my heart; to live with my love who is my match in soul, for eternity... 
But I know I cannot do such a selfish thing. I know she would accept me. But that would break her heart – she would be forced to give up her friends, and her position in her world as a Warrior of Order... Her entire previous life. And what would be that world without her? Nobody knows and nobody should.
But yet, her life had already been changed dramatically... No, I still must not bound her to myself for ever. Even if she will give birth to our child. But... I don’t want to abandon her just like a ... no, I cannot say that word! I am not like one of those!  Am I?

I am very, very confused. I can’t wed her. I don’t want to leave her. I want to see my son or daughter... Can I go with her?
That would be an idea, if I had not seen the images in the Mirror of Galadriel. Those real-like visions about the War... I will be needed. I cannot leave MY world either.

What should I do, then?

“Legolas? What is the matter? You’ve been in the garden all day, and asked me not to follow you, but I could not wait anymore. Alas, it is two days till our parting for ever; I wish to spend some time with you!” There is she; I didn’t even listened in my thinking, and didn’t notice she came here. How lovely is she! The elvish robe does not fit her curves properly, making her even cuter and, let’s say it, sexier. Not to mention the radiance she has because of her state... 
I am feelng miserable... I do not know what should I say.
“You look troubled, my love...” She comes to me, embraces me, caresses my face... “If I bother you, tell me to leave... I just had to see you... I missed you so much today.” Oh, no. I can feel it; she was worrying all day long. Her eyes are so full of misery... I was selfish, again...
“I am glad to see you. Do not go.” I kiss her on the cheek.  “I am sorry that I made your time miserable today. I needed... thinking.”
“Is it an Elvish thing?”
“You can take it that way.”
“Then it’s allright. I had to think too. And I was also showed around a bit. It was fun!” Good thing that it does not take a long time to cheer her up. She is smiling again. It is her; smiling and laughing... I just smile back and stare at her. I carve all her features into the marble of my mind.
“Aww, don’t you just stare at me! Please!” she says playfully.
“But you are looking fabulous!” I have to play along; I love it when she makes me do these conversations.
“No, I don’t, so drop that line for goodness’ sake!” She is blushing a bit.
“But...” I try to look innocently. She looks at me; her eyes are now full of desire...
“There are no <but>s here, Legolas. You praised me again, me, the unworthy. You have to be punished!”

Let me just say, I was “punished” well. If you call that punishment, what would you call pleasure?!? She is such a ... human? No, she is more. There are no words for it; maybe that’s why I fall for her.
I forgot everything I’ve been thinking about... but not for long.

What should I do???

I am fearing I will die if I cannot find the answer. As my KoUsagi sleeps in my arms, breathing peacefully, my mind goes wild. Questions and more questions arise. I close my eyes.